They say true love never dies, but one could also say that about cockroaches. In fact, if a persistent, petty grudge were to take a corporeal form, it would most likely appear as a cockroach, which is why it makes perfect sense to name one after you ex this Valentine’s Day.
It may be silly and spiteful, but so is Valentine’s Day (depending on your circumstances), and you gotta do what feels good, baby. If naming a roach after someone who hurt your heart seems cathartic, there are two ways you can go about it. If you’re okay with your ex-roach living across the pond, you can name a British cockroach at Hemsley Conservation Center for ￡1.50 (about two bucks), and whatever name you choose will appear on the “roach board” at the cockroach enclosure. You will also get a certificate which (confusingly) will not have the name of the roach written on it, but it will grant you entry to the conservatory to see your ex-bugsband, should you ever be in the area.
If you’d like to keep things state-side, you can name a fancy Madagascar hissing cockroach at the Bronx Zoo for $15, which seems steep, but at least this (digital) certificate will feature the name you choose. Oddly, the Bronx Zoo suggests naming a roach after someone you are deeply in love with, which is a bold move. (As someone whose mother once purchased a few of these for us to keep as “science pets,” I feel pretty confident when I say that hissing cockroaches do not inspire warm feelings.) The Bronx Zoo also offers add-ons, like roach-themed beanies, enamel pins, and mugs, should you wish to really lean in to the theme.